Elbow Room

She was ashamed she felt that way. I mean..they are your parents for God's sake!You cant bargain on your parentage, now, can you? But there was a difference in perspective here. The question was not about parentage...but of marriage..and a yet larger question of existence and individuality. And it was not just her subjective consciousness, it was her mothers'.

She wrote in her blog, "Have you ever dared felt that your mum married the wrong guy?"

It was a thought that sometimes struck her as a kind of blasphemy. At other times, She felt as if she had risen above the immediate context of her relationships and the world, as if she was floating above her own house and looking down on these people....not people....characters...right out of an Absurd play! And wondering, if her mother..nay..this woman....married the wrong guy? And that if she deserved better? If she ever wondered that life hadnt turned out the way she had planned or dreamt it would be...and that now there was a cul de sac. This was the flow chart of her life...and she was analysing it with a feeling of ruefulness about lost dreams...about that empty idealism that instills each one of us when we are at the prime of our lives!

And now Elvis had left the building and the show was over. For her.

The other day she found a handwritten paper from her Mom’s cupboard...lying forgotten with some other old stuff at the back….she opened it and saw a letter to the principal of a local school in Rohini. It was a job application. Dated 1990. She felt a thud in her heart. She got reminded of the fact that her mom held an MA B.ED! The paper was tearing at her heart. A scroll from history-a yellowed dream of the past-lying crumpled in a ball-in an old cupboard.

And as she wondered whether her mother looked back on her life and thought all this--she felt sick. She felt that all the novels and all romantic poetry that she had read till date...was nothing but an expression of that same idealism that is nothing but wishful thinking. All the stories of Romantic possibilities and endings…of Elizabeth Bennett finally overcoming her own prejudices and finding her true love.....of Jane Eyre sensing Rochester's cry from miles away......of Celie's brave movement from a site of domestic violence and racist past to a life where she 'wore the pants' and sewed 'em too…….! Everything...all feminism-dripping tales of revolution--suddenly seemed bland to her.

It inhabited a world of fantasy...of far-way realities and unique cases of rebellion.

Then again she wondered, if it was too early for her mum to ask that question about her life to herself. That How has my life ultimately turned out? Why did she feel that her mother felt she had hit a cul de sac? Or if she would rather have married some one else...?Did she ever think that she deserved better? Or does she think that that's what she deserved? The latter was still a solace-but the pain and unfairness of the former could be suicidal.

No, her father was a good person. Her mother had spent 22 years with him and there were things her mother knew that could be boasted about in him. But over the long course of these years-things had changed. Life had become a routine.It was as if she was on auto-pilot. The hope that she entertained a decade ago-did not come to her as a saving illusion any more. She thought she knew now, that it was not going to change. She thought she knew that the only way to survive was to fall on her tired knees and bow down to it.Whatever 'it' was.

She poured her feelings on the anonymous blog of hers, in an effort to empty herself or at least exhaust herself so she could think no more. She was crying a little but she was not simply sad-she was pensive. It threw everything out of focus. She didnt feel like going to her literature class tomorrow.

She remembered once when she was watching this romantic movie on TV with her mom. She remembered dreaming-replacing the heroine with herself-feeling the kiss of the dashing hero on her own lips-blushing at the thought of ever having some one for her own with whom she could share the endless love that this couple on the silver-screen depicted. She had her whole life in front of her-she sighed-there was so much to happen to her-she wanted to fall in love-she wanted to become a lecturer-author a bestseller--conquer the world!

As she got lost in the crystal ball of her own future, she forgot the presence of her mother on whose knees she rested her head. She was chewing the gum,carelessly blowing bubbles which kept bursting as the air ran out of them.--Suddenly she felt her mother's presence as the love scene ended .Her mother cleared her throat. Then followed the awkward but subtle fidgeting that follows the discomfort of having seen such a display of affection on screen--with your parents. There was certainly nothing vulgar about it (she wouldve changed the channel immediately otherwise)-but there was an under-text of the union of two people in love-which does not necessarily have to be expressed in the word 'sex'-but which still made you uncomfortable in company of your parents. But there was a class, a beauty in it.

Like a slap in the face- she wondered if her mother felt the same emotions she felt. How can she not? She's a woman. There might still be some residue of a girl inside her. A frivolous, carefree young girl. And why not? Who said anything about feelings getting old??

But there she was feeling unsettled again. Its your mom.You cant look at her in that way! She cant have such.. fantasies... for heavens'sake! ewwww! and theres DAD! But does mum still feel that way for Dad? Ohhh...she needed to get this feminist streak in her to shut up! Because if mum doesn’t feel that way for dad-then what comes off the feeling that the romantic movie ignited in her? Does she feel it for the moment and then brush it off from her head so she could go back to her dreary dry world again? Or does she inwardly laugh at the silly youthful days of desire and love--long lost! Is it at such moments that her mother feels the cul de sac?

She heard her mother calling her from the kitchen. "what will you have for dinner, sweety?" She was joking away with Dad who had come back from office-It wasn’t like the days they fought —It wasn’t ugly or bitter today.

She went into the kitchen, looked at her mom...she seemed happy- --she looked just fine!

She went up to her-took the knife from her hand with which she was slicing the onions-and said, "Let me make the dinner tonight...."