Elbow Room

Dear Cyrus,

I love you, honey. I miss you. Im sorry. Im sorry I wasn't there. I cant believe I wasn't there. How could I not be there? Just because the vet said he wouldn't do it in front of me knowing how attached I was to you. Just because mom did not allow it. Why did I not fight? How could I just let you go alone? You must be looking for me, weren't you? Wondering why I wasn't there? I always took you to the vet. It wasn't mom. Or Atul bhaiya. How could i? Why didn't I hold you in my arms then? Everybody said I wouldn't want to remember you that way…that I wont be able to take it. But you needed me then, didn't you buddy? I should've been there. I should have been there. I cant forgive myself for that. Was I selfish? I should've made a hue and cry. It must have been scary for you….i know mom was there…but didnt you look for me too? You were in pain, honey. I had to let you go. But why did I let you go before I had to let you go? I haven't cried as much as I thought would cry when the time to let you go would come …but I haven't cried as hard. There was a poignant relief in not seeing you suffer anymore. I have missed you, yes I have, so much. Now when I cry, it's as if im trying to tell you that you meant so much to me. As if not crying is selfish of me. As if I moved on. And forgot. But i haven't. I never will. I never can.

Please forgive me for not being there then. I love you so much. I miss you. So much.

You will always be my best buddy, my baby. No other pet will ever be as good, as special, as much to me as you were. You loved me. And I love you. Always. And Always…