Elbow Room

This one is going to be a very personal post. I dont care who is reading it, i dont care how i sound and read here, i dont care what you think of me, i dont care a fig. Its one of those sickly selfish times when you are the most important things on your mind, when the fact that people have bigger, more graver problems, that the world is crumbling under socio-political and economic crisis, or whether the beggar across the street is dying in the heat, or whether justice is sold to the undeserving in a lawless world, that people have lost their loved ones and are struggling to survive every minute of every day in a manner you cannot even fathom, all this does not matter. I can not serve others before ive served myself. I can not make anynone's life any better when my own house is on fire. Yes, i am being selfish. You bet I am. And i wish for once i am able to stare in the eyes of that smug philanthropy with a look that says, "You will come later, much much much much much MUCH later."

They say in order to say I Love You (romantic, friendly, familial, any love) you need first to be able to say the I. To truly love some one else, you need to love your self, completely, tirelessly, desperately, shamelessly. And those who think sacrificing their self for the love of others is an honourable vocation, i want to laugh in your face and tell you how wonderfully deluded you are. I wont chide you much because its a very glorious and tempting idea, and more often than not i have given in to the temptation myself. It makes you feel good like empty patriotism. And we all queue in to sacrifice ourselves first and adjust the halo of the martyr on our heads. Ive seen my ma do it all her life, and she is a martyr in the real sense of the word but what remains in the aftermath of that war is a hollow case of nothingness that resembles everything and nothing at all.

This prayer-song ma sings keeps whirling in my mind these days, and theres a line in it which goes, "दूसरों की जय से पहले खुद को जय करें". And i interpret it in a sense that is slightly different from how its intended i suppose. But it does the trick. And yes i am talking about a Satanic pride in being who you are even if its Hell where you get to be that.

This kind of selfishness may not bring you any happiness. But it will bring you your self which you have scarce acknowledged let alone understood and forget about loving it. But thats the one person who will never leave you once youve befriended her. Yes, you will be lonely still, but you will never be alone.

So, go ahead. Judge me. For once in my life, i want to tell this to each and every one of you, I could not care less.